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Want To Become A CIA Operative?

The best way is to observe the political process in your very own building. Here are some of the latest techniques used by candidates in buildings round the city this past election season, that are sure to prepare you for a counter-intelligence career. Make no mistake, I’m reporting on, not recommending any of them.

Use a plant: It’s a great way to throw your opponent off guard.  I’m sure you know that engaging in email warfare with your enemy is a losing battle. One of the latest techniques is for the candidate/operative to enlist a supposed friend of his target, or maybe someone the target doesn’t even know, and get the plant to ask him to confirm some rumored bad act going round about his running mate. I heard Mr. X has an illegal parking space. Is that true? The idea is to trick the target into saying, “NO,” it’s not true, even if it is true, thereby making him a co-conspirator in the supposed wrongdoing, allowing the operative to proclaim both parties guilty of whatever charge has been trumped up. It’s like killing two birds with one stone.

Deflect charges like the Teflon Don:  Whatever the allegation, deny it and it won’t stick. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.  I’m not a member of Al Qaeda. I didn’t send round that memo.  If the operative says it with a straight face and a smile, most people will believe what he’s saying is true even if its false. Sure, the truth will eventually come out, like it did against that Senator who solicited sex in the men’s room or the other Senator who said he was off hiking the Appalachian Trail, but by then some new dirt is sure to have surfaced so no one will care about the old dirt.

Make stuff stick against your opponent: While deflecting charges against himself, the cunning operative will toss out enough stuff against his target that some of it is bound to stick.

Increase the stickiness: It sounds counterintuitive, but the operative can enhance the stickiness of stuff tossed out against others, by selectively limiting its disclosure to a favored group of fellow owners, who feel self-important by being included in the inner circle.

Upset the balance of power: This is hard to do because those in office not only control the election process, but also try to present a united image, even if they are totally divided. But sometimes you get lucky and there’s a mole among them who says something bad about one of his fellow directors, and word leaks out.  A smart operative will resist the temptation to tell everyone in the building.  That’s too obvious a counter-ploy.  Just lay back and wait, and as each day passes more people will know, creating dissension among board members as each wonders who was the leaker.

Rattle a few sabers: If not enough stuff sticks, the operative may take the next step and threaten to send a letter to his target’s employer exposing all the supposed bad things he did. This is risky business. Not only will the sender likely seem like the crazy one, but the things he says to a third party, as opposed to building residents, are not protected by any legal privilege and could get him into trouble.

Go for broke: Still no capitulation? Then the operative may threaten to bring a lawsuit for something the target did, or didn’t do, in the building. It really doesn’t matter because most people are so afraid of the cost of getting enmeshed in litigation that they back down rather than fight, even if they’re right.

Assuming you have the stomach and talent for all this, don’t waste your gift in your building, pitting neighbor against neighbor. Better join the CIA or the FBI, so you can be part of a larger cause that protects us all from the real bad guys out there.

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One Response to “Want To Become A CIA Operative?”

  1. kyle brown says:

    i would like to become a cia agent its what ive always wanted to be

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