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Stuff Outside Your Door

People who live in High Rise Society don’t have backyards where they can toss all their junk or get rid of it in a garage sale.  So they put stuff they don’t want inside their apartment outside their apartment, which gets other people mad because they think the space outside the apartment doesn’t belong to the person who lives inside the apartment, but really belongs to everyone.  And if it belongs to everyone, no one should get to decide what goes there.

Here’s what you should do to stay above the fray.

retrofit-folding-handlebarsfrontBicycles: If there is a bike room, that’s where you should put your ten speed, not outside your apartment, unless you want to get dirty looks from fellow tribesman, who resent having to trip over the instrument of your physical fitness, especially if they haven’t been to the gym in a while. Sounds easy except in my building the ceiling of the bike cave is so low not even a midget, excuse me, height challenged person, could stand up straight, and so clogged that even if he could he couldn’t get his bike in or out which some bike owners think gives them a free pass to use the hallway, despite the fact that others insist a bike room is a privilege, not an entitlement. And even though people have been asked to remove bikes they’re not using from the room, they never do, which makes me think they’re dead.  And if they’re dead they can’t ride a bike, but everyone is afraid to remove them for fear of being sued, though I don’t understand how you can be sued from the grave, which doesn’t mean some lawyer smarter than I am hasn’t found a way.

iStock_000004254105XSmallRain Gear: Some tribesmen don’t like wet things dripping on the dry beige inside of their apartments, so they let their rain-soaked umbrellas and boots drip on the rug in the hallway outside their apartments, forming little puddles almost big enough for small dogs – of which there are many – to swim in. This pisses off lots of tribesmen who figure if they can fit their wet stuff inside their apartments so can you, especially if they have a studio and you have a one bedroom.  Anyway, boots aren’t big like a bicycle, so there’s no excuse. Every time it rained, like clockwork I’d get calls from certain people demanding that offenders be rounded up and hung from a tree, though, honestly, I don’t think it’s that big a deal.

And I don’t really mind if the boots drip on the rug in the hallway, which I should because I paid for it – at least my part of it.  But it’s so ugly that anything that will hasten its demise is a blessing. This is one of those issues, like the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, that never will be resolved — unless you live in Arizona where it doesn’t rain. Not even the board will get involved because they know it’s a no-win situation, and odds are if they did they’d never reach a consensus because lots of members leave their boots outside.  So if you’re living in High Rise Society, keep your stuff to yourself.

Baby carriageStrollers: Strollers are tricky. They’re bigger than boots, but smaller than a bicycle, and can generate more controversy than either because some tribesmen don’t like kids – not that they’d ever admit it because how can you say you don’t like kids. And a stroller is a pretty sure sign of kids, though there was a lady in my building who didn’t have kids, but did have a stroller, which she used to transport her pugs when they had to pee.  You may be able to get away with occasionally co-opting the space outside your door, but I promise you will be excoriated – by someone – if you park your Bugaboo in the lobby like a limo waiting to whisk away some celebrity because most people think kids are cute, but don’t think they’re celebrities warranting treatment better than they get.

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