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Breaking News:Admissions Procedures Overhauled

News Flash: Effective immediately The Coalition for Just Admissions, a consortium of many of the City’s premier co-ops, has announced new procedures that would ban board members (or any of their fellow shareholders) from serving on their buildings’ admissions committees, and appoint resident dogs in their stead.

“This action is being taken to cleanse the system of the perception of unfairness that has plagued it for so long,” said Priscilla Pugnacious, the Coalition’s President.

“The simple reality is that most buildings have more dogs than people, therefore fundamental principles of fairness dictate that they should have a voice in the process that more accurately reflects their numbers. In addition,” Ms. Pugnacious explained, “many dogs have found themselves the victims of discrimination – being forced to ride in the service elevator or wear uncomfortable leashes.  Empowering them to decide the residential fate of those with who they’ll live, seemed an appropriate step toward rectifying such injustice.”

“We are confident that the new procedures will help rationalize the admissions process, obviating the need for proposed legislation that would require boards to specify the reasons for rejecting any applicants, thereby impinging on their right of self-selection among the applicant pool.”

Here are a few highlights:

  • Dogs aren’t interested in what people look like, but how they smell, so they won’t care whether you are purple or black or white or old or young or ugly or pretty. And to assure that no bias comes into play, all applicants will have to take a shower before they come for their interview to wash away any traces of artificial scents.
  • Dogs can’t read numbers so applicants will be on the honor system in representing how much money they have, which we hope will translate into greater trust among resident owners.
  • Dogs don’t talk, at least not any language that we are fluent in, so the interview will consist of strictly non-verbal communication, which we think is a better prognosticator  of how neighborly their conduct will be — to man and beast alike.

“By purging the system of considerations of status and money among residents,” Ms. Pugnacious announced, “we believe we can return to the true meaning of “Cooperative,” which too many of us have lost sight of for too long.”

Update: Ms. Pugnacious just alerted me that this admissions committee policy will be in effect only for today, so better act quickly.

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